Trump In India: Cricket, Vegetarian Food, Fun With Pronunciation

Trump In India: Cricket, Vegetarian Food, Fun With Pronunciation


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,”
EVERYBODY. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO GOOD TO TO BE BACK. I’VE MISSED THESE PEOPLE. THIS WEEKEND, DEMOCRATS DID
SOMETHING THAT ONCE SEEMED UNIMAGINABLE: THEY COUNTED THE
VOTES IN A CAUCUS. ( LAUGHTER )
I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT’S–
>>I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.>>A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA. DONALD TRUMP’S WORST
NIGHTMARE.>>WE’RE AT EACH OTHER’S
THROATS.>>MADE A LOT OF MONEY. CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE. YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS? TRUMP!>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE.” 2020!>>WITNESS ME! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: TONIGHT, BACK ON THE FURY ROAD.>>Jon: THAT HEAD BUTT.>>Stephen: TONIGHT ON THE
VROOM-VROOM SHOUT FACE, NEVADA CAUCUS, AND IT’S RUNAWAY
WINNER VERMONT SENATOR AND ANCIENT JOHN MULANEY, BERNIE
SANDERS. SANDERS WAS COMING OFF SLIM
POPULAR VOTE VICTORIES IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, BUT BERNIE
WON NEVADA WITH 46% OF THE VOTE, INCLUDING A DIVERSE COALITION OF
IMMIGRANTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, LATINA MOTHERS, YOUNGER BLACK
VOTERS, WHITE LIBERALS AND EVEN SOME MODERATES. AND BECAUSE IT WAS NEVADA, HE
ALSO PICKED UP VOTES FROM BLACKJACK DEALERS, CIRQUE DU
SOLEIL, AND THAT GUY SITTING ALONE AT THE PRIME RIB BUFFET
MUTTERING “HOW AM I GONNA TELL MARJORIE?”
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE CELEBRATED HIS NEVADA WIN
BY CONTRASTING HIS MOVEMENT WITH TRUMP’S.>>THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO
WIN THIS ELECTION BY DIVIDING OUR PEOPLE UP BASED ON THE
COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR WHERE THEY WERE BORN OR THEIR RELIGION
OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION. WE ARE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE
ARE DOING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.>>STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE)
“WHAT I’M SAYING IS: MULTI-RACIAL, MULTIGENERATIONAL
ORGY AT MY PLACE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I PROMISE, YOU WILL FEEL THE BERN.” ( CHEERING )
( LAUGHTER ) “AND THE BERN WILL FEEL YOU!”
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEVADA RESULTS WERE ALSO A
BOOST FOR THE FLAGGING CAMPAIGN OF JOE BIDEN, WHO CAME IN
SECOND WITH 20% OF THE VOTE, AND TOLD SUPPORTERS THAT JOE-MENTUM
IS BACK!>>YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION–
YOU KNOW, THE PRESS IS READY TO DECLARE PEOPLE DEAD QUICKLY, BUT
WE’RE ALIVE AND WE’RE COMING BACK AND WE’RE GOING TO WIN.>>STEPHEN: BRAGGING THAT YOU’RE
ALIVE MAY NOT BE THE MOST STIRRING CAMPAIGN RALLYING CRY. “FOLKS, WE’RE BREATHING ON OUR
OWN. THE TUBES ARE OUT, THE PANTS ARE
ON, AND THIS MORNING, I ATE A WHOLE THING OF APPLESAUCE! NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME
— ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME
TOWARDS SOUTH CAROLINA!” HERE WE GO! ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, WRONG WAY, LET’S GO, GUYS. COME ON! THANK YOU. A LOT OF MODERATE DEMOCRATS ARE
CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST AT THE
TOP OF THE TICKET. LAST NIGHT, “60 MINUTES” AIRED
AN INTERVIEW WITH BERNIE AND HE DIDN’T DO MUCH TO PUT HIS
CRITICS AT EASE.>>WE’RE VERY OPPOSED TO THE
AUTHORITARIAN NATURE OF CUBA, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT’S UNFAIR TO
SIMPLY SAY EVERYTHING IS BAD. YOU KNOW? WHEN FIDEL CASTRO CAME INTO
OFFICE, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? HE HAD A MASSIVE LITERACY
PROGRAM. IS THAT A BAD THING? EVEN THOUGH FIDEL CASTRO DID IT?>>STEPHEN: WHAT, NO– BERNIE
ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE AT MSNBC? YOU SOUND LIKE FIDEL CASTRO’S
MOM. “NOW I KNOW FIDEL DID A LOT OF
MURDER, BUT LOOK AT THIS MACARONI PICTURE HE MADE IN THE
THIRD GRADE. THESE LITTLE ROTINI DOWN HERE
ARE THE GRAVES OF HIS ENEMIES.” ( LAUGHTER )
WRIF RIFF BUT BERNIE DID TRY AN ODD PIVOT
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE CENTRAL PLATFORM OF HIS CAMPAIGN.>>A LOT OF VOTERS ARE VOTING
FOR CANDIDATES WHO AREN’T CALLING FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL,
WHO AREN’T CALLING FOR A REVOLUTION. IS EVERYBODY REALLY WANTING A
REVOLUTION LIKE THAT?>>YEAH, LET’S GO EASY ON THE
WORD REV– POLITICAL REVOLUTION, YOU KNOW? WE’RE– WE’RE TRYING TO FOLLOW–
>>YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S USING THE WORD.>>WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW– I DON’T
WANT PEOPLE TO OVERSTATE.>>STEPHEN: WHAT?! RAFF LAUGH
NOW YOU DON’T WANT US TO OVERSTATE THE WORD REVOLUTION? THAT’S YOUR WHOLE BRAND. THIS IS LIKE NIKE SUDDENLY
CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO “JUST DON’T OVERDO IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) Y>>Jon: YEAH, JUST DO IT! JUST SLIGHTLY. JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪
♪ OH, JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪>>Stephen: AT ONE POINT
BERNIE GOT A LITTLE SASSY.>>ONE OF THE CRITICS OF YOU IN
THE SENATE, JOE BIDEN, HAS SAID THAT YOU NEVER GOT ANYTHING
DONE. AMY KLOBUCHAR HAS BEEN– ARE
YOU GETTING MAD?>>I’M NOT MAD. JUST SILENTLY HISSING, THAT’S
ALL. (LAUGHTER)
>>STEPHEN: I KNOW BERNIE HAD A HEART ATTACK, BUT IS HE ALSO
DEFLATING? (AS BERNIE)
“THE TOP 1% OF THE– SSSSSSS– SOMEBODY GET MY PUMP!”
“PUMP ME UP! SOMEBODY!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: PUMP IT UP! ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.>>Stephen: WHILE THE
DEMOCRATS BATTLE IT OUT BACK HOME, TRUMP IS ABROAD
IN INDIA. HERE HE IS GIVING PRIME MINISTER
NARENDRA MODI THE TRADITIONAL AMERICAN GREETING OF SLIDING
YOUR HAND INSIDE SOMEONE’S CLOTHES. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “WE’VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER A
SHORT WHILE, BUT I THINK WE’RE READY FOR UNDER THE VEST STUFF.” ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP’S FIRST STOP WAS AT THE HOME OF MAHATMA GANDHI, WHERE HE
GOT THE CHANCE TO SPIN A REPLICA OF THE WHEEL THAT GANDHI USED
TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOTHES. THAT’S LOVELY. NOW HE KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO WORK IN ONE OF IVANKA’S FACTORIES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Jon: PUTTING IT OUT THERE,
HUH? THANK YOU.>>Stephen: THE DAY’S BIG
EVENT WAS A GIANT POLITICAL RALLY FOR THE
PRESIDENT CALLED “NAMASTE TRUMP.” WHICH I REALLY HOPE MEANS HE HAD
TO PUBLICLY DO YOGA. (AS TRUMP)
“FIRST, I GO DOWNWARD, LIKE A DOG! NOW, A SUN SALUTATION: HI,
ERIC!” A
( LAUGHTER ) “NAMASTE TRUMP” WAS MODI’S WAY
OF THANKING TRUMP FOR A RALLY IN SEPTEMBER, WHEN TRUMP JOINED THE
PRIME MINISTER IN TEXAS FOR AN EVENT CALLED “HOWDY MODI!”
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH WENT A LOT BETTER THAN
TRUMP’S EVENT WITH THE CHINESE PRESIDENT, “THAT’S WHAT XI
SAID.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP OPENED HIS SPEECH LIKE THIS:
>>TODAY INDIA WELCOMES US AT THE WORLD’S LARGEST CRICKET
STADIUM RIGHT HERE IN AHMEDABAD. ( CHEERING )
IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.>>STEPHEN: YES, HE JUST SAID,
“IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.” ( LAUGHTER )
HE USED TO JUST PUT HIS NAME ON BUILDINGS. NOW HE WANTS TO BE THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S A STROKER. IT’S A CHIN STROKER. OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE WAS IN
INDIA, TRUMP HAD TO PROVE THAT ENGLISH ISN’T THE ONLY
LANGUAGE HE STRUGGLES WITH:>>NAMASTE. THE PRIDE OF GUJARAT. SOME OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST
CRICKET PLAYERS FROM SUE CHIN TENDLEKUR. AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS TEACHER
SWAMI VIVEKANANDA ONCE SAID– ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: YES, SWAMI VI-VAY-KUNUNDUNDE ONCE SAID,
“THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW YOU
PRONOUNCE MY NAME.” LATER IN THE DAY, TRUMP VISITED
THE TAJ MAHAL, WHICH WAS THE MODEL FOR ONE OF TRUMP’S
INFAMOUS FAILED ATLANTIC CITY CASINOS. (AS TRUMP)
“IN HONOR OF THE TAJ MAHAL, I’D LIKE TO OFFER THIS TRADITIONAL
HINDU PRAYER.” ♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪
♪ LUCK IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN A LADY TO BEGIN WITH ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IS ONE CHALLENGE FOR TRUMP
IN INDIA BECAUSE MODI IS A DEVOTED VEGETARIAN AND PLANS TO
SERVE VEGETARIAN FOOD TO THE PRESIDENT. OH, MY GOD. WE’RE GOING TO WAR WITH INDIA. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING SPORTS, IT’S KIND OF MY THING, — I TALK
ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. WE EDIT IT OUT BUT MOSTLY I TALK
ABOUT SPORTS — AND TODAY WE’VE GOT AN INSPIRING
STORY FROM THE WORLD OF HOCKEY. IN SATURDAY NIGHT’S N.H.L. GAME
BTWEEN THE CAROLINA HURRICANES AND THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, THE
TWO HURRICANES GOALIES GOT INJURED. SO THEY CALLED ON THE ZAMBONI
DRIVER TO BE THEIR EMERGENCY GOALIE, AND HE WON HIS N.H.L. DEBUT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WON! UNBELIEVABLE! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! ( APPLAUSE )
HE WON WITH HELP FROM HIS SIGNATURE
MOVE: PARKING THE ZAMBONI IN FRONT OF THE GOAL. ( LAUGHTER )
BIG D. THE HOCKEY HERO IS NAMED DAVID
AYRES, AND HE’S NOT JUST A ZAMBONI DRIVER, HE’S ALSO AN
ARENA MAINTENANCE WORKER. HERE’S A VIDEO FROM THE LOCKER
ROOM AFTER THE WIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S INCREDIBLE. THAT’S SO LOVELY. THAT’S SO NICE. THEY DO KNOW HE HAS TO CLEAN ALL
THAT UP, RIGHT? WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, AND– OWW. OW. OH! I PULLED MY HAMSTRING. I DON’T THINK I CAN FINISH.>>Jon: OH, NO.>>DON’T WORRY, STEPHEN, I GOT
YOU!>>Stephen: IT’S DAVID AYRES! ZAMBONI HOCKEY HERO DAVID AYRES,
EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) DAVID! DAVID! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DAVID, I’VE PULLED MY HAMSTRING, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?>>I’LL FINISH UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WHEN WE COME BACK, WARREN CHECKS
BLOOMBERG INTO THE BOARDS! STICK AROUND!>>STEPHEN: WOOOOO!

100 thoughts on “Trump In India: Cricket, Vegetarian Food, Fun With Pronunciation

  1. India famous for cricket,vegetarian food
    America famous for UFC and WWE
    Thanks america for giving this two things
    Love from india

  2. It used to be a good show. But this time Colbert was simply without a vision what he wants to say. The message was chaotic, just to keep the show, let's call it, running.

  3. Rare criticism of Colbert: Wanting universal health care is not a "revolution". It's catching up with the rest of first world countries.

  4. Colbert thought that orgy joke was super, but the audience had to be whipped just to give half hearted applause. Mostly it's just one loud lady.

  5. Funny because a few months ago that whole "IM STILL ALIVE" bit was Bernie Sanders who literally medically died in 2019 which is why he wont release his whole medical papers.

  6. That's what stupid Bernie does. As long as they're socialists he doesn't care about their corruption. Bolivia was under an autocrat government with a president who wanted fourth term, even though the constitution limits a president to two terms. He kept vending the law and consolidating more power into the government and his party. He resigned and fled and Bernie came out defending him.

    Bernie you fucking suck, and I cannot believe so many Americans are falling for your trap. But then again almost half of the country voted for the pussygrabber, so in general, voters aren't really smart.

  7. If Trump were a Democratic socialist the leftist media would kiss the ground he walks on(kind of like what they did with Obama)

  8. Trump didn’t hold the event at Texas ….Indian Americans means the diaspora held it….and people were leaving since it’s a new stadium there’s only one exit so people were leaving early…

  9. Trump said "vivek-ka-mundan"
    Meaning vivek's head shaving ceremony

    Modi said "do-lund trump"
    Meaning double dick trump

    I think we're even 👌

  10. Trump is like that Grandpa who even thought corrected and have heard it correctly, still say it the fucked way cuz it's how they like it, their way 🤦😂 except now he's in a world stage. Sigh

  11. It's very sad. India has more poverty than most other countries, but here they are boasting what they do with any extra money.

  12. Bernie was clarifying to Anderson Cooper that he is calling for a "political revolution" not a "REVOLUTION." Bernie doesn't want people to get hurt. See universal healthcare. C'mon. Don't misconstrue what he said as an "odd pivot," Colbert. You're better than that.

  13. aw, stephen, you missed a golden joke. when bernie deflates, and you mime him getting blown back up, i was waiting for you to take him all the way up to one of those car dealership inflatable arm flailing tube men!

  14. How many people has the U.S. offed in their greedy quest for hegemony?
    Cuba has free education, free health care FOR ALL CITIZENS.
    What do you have to offer your citizens America?

  15. Do American politicians really want to take the route of arguing that a country must be all bad or all good? Because everyone knows the US record isn't spotless either. Even in Cuba some of the prisoners imprisoned without trial are imprisoned by the US.

  16. The oppressed Americans are allowed once in four years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. I didn’t missed a voting 🗳 never ever but this time I go to the voting center and I will not vote

  17. I loves me some fury road action lol pochantas arm movements always get's me hehe lolz btw ( by the way) hey bern man america has always been divided sheesh these elists must really think we are really stupid and dumb smh lolz

  18. I've loved Colbert, Warren, and Bernie. I think Colbert is going to struggle making fun of either Warren or Bernie if they win. They are too authentic, too smart to be portrayed as "old"… Old people jokes, like fat jokes, are easy to make. Comparing Bernie's Democratic Socialism to Modor, Cuba, etc. is just weak, and Stephen knows it. Comedians have had it easy making fun of Trump.

  19. Taj Mahal, the great historical monument was a gift to India by a Muslim King named Shah Jahan.. And look what Indians are doing to the Muslim minority today… Very Sad.

  20. I am from India 🇮🇳. His pronunciation of swami Vivekananda was totally insane and he is currently trending meme material in india 😂

  21. Sad to see Colbert under the thumb of CBS. It's like watching a boxer throw a fight or seeing an all star athlete who doesn't love the game anymore. When he ran the Colbert Report he was brilliant and the show was something that will go down in American history books. He wrote books that were groundbreaking as well. Colbert, I know the money is good but do you ever wonder what might have been if you kept the Colbert Report? I wonder all the time.

  22. Bernie Americas Grandfather that wants the best for the Grandchildren.
    Take your medicine [ Bernie Pill ] America you will feel better when it takes affect.

  23. Just to have an honest person in the White House would be a major win…anyone without sexual,financial or legal baggage . Sanders will get the US back on decent place in world view.

  24. This is SO sad. Trump was received with so much warmth and respect. And yet the Liberals tried to break down something this awesome. Liberals really need to stop hating themselves, and then maybe they'll stop hating a great leader. You can hate greatness, but you can never deny it.

  25. Bernie said that he was warned that Putin — who doesn't care about Democrats or Republicans, but just wants chaos in America — is "favoring" both Trump and Sanders. There are a lot of comments here by people claiming to be Bernie supporters saying that Colbert is part of some cabal trying to "rig the election". Whether they know they are part of a disinformation warfare campaign or not, they serve Putin's purpose.

    Bernie just laughs when people tell jokes about him, so let's do the same and stop seeing conspiracies everywhere.

  26. Gotta love all the entitled Bernie Brats running to the comments to whine & cry over a monologue 🙄

    They supposedly "own the moral issues" these days & "fight for the working man," so I must have missed all of the comments in support of the hero Zamboni driver/Maintenance man living out his dream. 🤦🏽‍♀️

    Bernie & his cult are as bad as #Cult45.

  27. If you're wondering why am here or why am doing this!, i just want to show appreciation to God, and i want other persons who is suffering from this deadly illness, ( Herpes, Coronary Artery Disease (Ischemic Heart Disease), Hiv/AID, Stroke, Trachea, Bronchus, and Lung Cancers, Diarrheal Diseases, Diabetes Mellitus, Dengue, Rotavirus, Other STD and others ) maybe because of ignorance. if you see this don't ignore, i was a victim of herpes, some one introduced him to me, i wrote him, told him what i was going through, though i was not to sure he could help, because i seen other persons, or post but no good outcome, he told me he could help, like others, i got the medicine or the herb whatever you may want to call it, he didn't even charge me, to God i didn't want to use it, but i did, to God be the glory am the one sending this post today in good health and sound mind, ..smile.. i seek for him, i didn't mind the distance so i could show appreciation, i meet with Dr Herbal, he didn't ask for anything, all he said is, 'It's God doing. I saw him treat people with different situation and problem maybe worse than yours, tell others. so am telling you today, don't ignore this, if you see this post, tell the next person who you think might need this. contact him, via his official Email:[email protected] or WHATSAPP:+2348103355314

  28. If you're wondering why am here or why am doing this!, i just want to show appreciation to God, and i want other persons who is suffering from this deadly illness, ( Herpes, Coronary Artery Disease (Ischemic Heart Disease), Hiv/AID, Stroke, Trachea, Bronchus, and Lung Cancers, Diarrheal Diseases, Diabetes Mellitus, Dengue, Rotavirus, Other STD and others ) maybe because of ignorance. if you see this don't ignore, i was a victim of herpes, some one introduced him to me, i wrote him, told him what i was going through, though i was not to sure he could help, because i seen other persons, or post but no good outcome, he told me he could help, like others, i got the medicine or the herb whatever you may want to call it, he didn't even charge me, to God i didn't want to use it, but i did, to God be the glory am the one sending this post today in good health and sound mind, ..smile.. i seek for him, i didn't mind the distance so i could show appreciation, i meet with Dr Herbal, he didn't ask for anything, all he said is, 'It's God doing. I saw him treat people with different situation and problem maybe worse than yours, tell others. so am telling you today, don't ignore this, if you see this post, tell the next person who you think might need this. contact him, via his official Email:[email protected] or WHATSAPP:+2348103355314

  29. As an avid Colbert watcher: Love to all of you Americans from India <3

    Our nation has been undergoing the same right-wing coup as you, so we have something in common as well.

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